Early this month I went to Barcelona, Spain to present at the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) Conference. Near the end of the trip, I felt homesick.
I longed for solitude, time, and space to digest my experiences. Travel does not allow for that. But those needs don’t have to stop Gentle Souls from intentional adventures (as opposed to inadvertent misadventures). I’m glad I went: Barcelona is beautiful! I saw kind people coexisting with hucksters, even (ironically) at the anti-cult gatherings. The conference was great! I practiced setting boundaries and left with key takeaways, including hope for humanity.
Here are my two key takeaways:
Takeaway #1 You Don’t Have to Be a Fool to Be Fooled
Fellow cult busters, Cathrine Moestue & Gerette Buglion, demonstrated that you CAN mitigate social risk. They focused on Robert Cialdini’s book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. Cialdini, a self-identified sucker, and social psychologist, studied social pressures. He wanted to understand why we say yes when we should say no and identified six principles of social influence:
1) Liking—we say yes to people that we relate to;
2) Reciprocity—we feel obligated to reciprocate gifts or help;
3) Social proof—we are influenced by the behaviors & beliefs of the people surrounding, especially if we like them;
4) Consistency—we want to be consistent, or (at least) look like we are consistent;
5) Authority—we are hardwired to comply with leaders;
6) Scarcity—we place higher value on things that are rare.
These principles become more potent during uncertain times, like now. Fortunately, Cialdina offers three simple questions to ask yourself, when someone offers you something:
Is it true? Is this person honest? If you don’t know, pause.
Is it normal? Does the offering fit the circumstance / context? If not, pause longer.
Is it a win/win? Will you, in fact, benefit? If not, hard NO.
While shopping the Gothic Quarter with my new cult-buster friend, Dresden, I practiced the 3 questions: “Is it true that I need to buy this hat, right now?” (Not so much) Dresden added another consideration to the mix…
Am I emotionally regulated enough to make these decisions?
The pause is the point—check in with yourself. Take time and space to digest information. Practice trusting yourself. If someone is pressuring you, how about that's a no.
Digesting offerings leads nicely to...
Takeaway #2, Gillie Jenkinson’s, How Cults Shape Aspects of Post-Cult Identity
Gillie, founder & director of the Hope Valley Counseling Center, is a leader in cult recovery. She wrote, Walking Free from the Trauma of Coercive, Cultic and Spiritual Abuse, a roadmap for healing. These two concepts brought many clients to mind.
Confluence—Gillie describes a “merged state", i.e. zero boundaries. Gillie writes in her workbook, “Healthy confluence is limited and intentional, and it is possible to withdraw. It becomes unhealthy when we do not, or cannot, withdraw from that merged or confluent state.” (p.83). In cults, confluence is the norm. Leaders scorn individualism and dictating roles, beliefs and identities. Participants pass down social expectations. Unhealthy confluence relies on, leads to, and is built on:
Introjects—Beliefs or behaviors “... that we have taken into ourselves without consciously assessing… “ them. They are, “swallowed whole and remain sitting in our psychological system like a lump of unchewed and undigested food in our gut.” (p.91). Smoke signals included thoughts that begin with “I should..” “I ought to..” and “I must...”, and guilt or shame. Try defying them. Opt to feed your soul, or rest, do something joyful, instead. You'll recognize right decisions because you'll feel better: calm, clear and energized? Right choice. Rattled, confused and depleted? Something's wrong.
Walking Free from the Trauma of Coercive, Cultic and Spiritual Abuse has chapters that dive into confluence and introjects. If you find yourself wondering why you're still struggling, these concepts/chapters provide some cognitive understanding.
Life is short. To protect yourself from, or weed out, undigested false agendas pack these three questions and two concepts into your Gentle Soul self-protection tool box: Is this true? Is it normal? Is it a win/win? Am I dealing with unhealthy confluence and introjects? Recovery is a process. You need to digest your experiences and come to your own meaning. Some days will be better than others. As I tell myself and my clients, keep steering towards calm, clarity and peace.
Speaking of digesting information, the Gentle Souls travel/conference self-care toolkit will be another post on another day. In the meantime, here's a picture of beautiful Barcelona!
Inhale, exhale. Repeat. Esther
Author of The Gentle Souls Revolution.
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